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Posted by batpat on March 23, 2003 at 13:21:06:
Suddenly and painfully, my beloved cat Tercel died on Thursday. He had no indication of any illness. I heard him making strange vocalizations and when I went to ck, he was trying to get up but couldn't move his back legs. And he was panting trying to breathe. He screamed over and over in obvious pain. We had had a 65" snowstorm and through some miracle, fellow neighbors had taken matters into their own hands that morning and using their own snowblowers, blew the snow off the street. This was all just 1 hr. before our Tercy's attack. In a panic, I called all of our local vets and none was open. I found a vet who normally is about a 20 minute drive, but because roads were closed we had to take detours and that trip became 1 1/2 hrs. The vet said he suffered from a "saddle thrombosis", a blood clot which had lodged either near his kidneys or spine causing paralysis of his rear legs, extreme pain and his lungs had filled with fluid. It was horrific listening to my love screaming in pain for so long in the car and I couldn't do anything to help him. On the vet's recommendation, we made the decision to put him down and I've been filled with guilt since. What did I miss? Were there signs I didn't see? I just don't know how to reconcile the pain he went through. He was a sweet, loving boy and he didn't deserve it and I so hope that his last thought wasn't "why can't you help me. I thought you loved me."
I know my grief has only been a few days but it has been all consuming and overwhelming and while intellectually I know that I will be able to go on, I don't see how right now. He was the love of my life and gave his love freely. I can't think of the good times right now, the horrific sounds and events from his last day ring in my ears constantly. I know that I'm certainly not the first person to go through these feelings. It's impossible for me right now to be sure that I can make it. His last hours haunt me. Thanks for any support you can give me. I look forward to the constant hurt lessening and hopefully leaving so I can concentrate on what we had together. I can't think of anything but him right now and of what he had to endure.