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I can't stand the aching anymore.
Posted by llamb on February 08, 2003 at 21:11:39:
Four years ago, I got my Australian Shepard, Millie, as a puppy. She was my world. About a year or so into it, she started violently fighting with our lab. After separating them, she found ways to escape her pen. She'd go after my cats or run off. I knew she turned into a not so good dog, but she was my baby and I dealt with it. All of these problems escalated over a period of 4 years, and it was misery. We had to have her on a runner in her pen, and I hated the life I had made for her. I finally broke down and began talking to an Austrlian Shepard home adoption agency to try to find a more fit owner. No children or other pets, so she could get more attention. I was told it would be hard because of her ways. It would have been hard anyways not knowing what would have come of her. I even considered putting her to sleep in fear she would hurt somebody. I promised myself that if I did that, I would hold her until the end so that she would know that her mama never abandoned her. This is where my heart begins to ache. I noticed one day, that she was not being herself, like she was under the weather. I thought it was just the weather. A few days later, it got bad. I had to take her to the emergency vet. Within 5 minutes there, the vet told me she was dying. Even if they tried to save her, there was not a good prognosis. They said she either got a toxin in her system, which to us was unlikely or that she had auto immune disease which we were not aware of. Her gums signified she might have had liver damage. Right then and there, I did not want to lose my baby. I didn't have a choice, it was taken away from me. I chose her life, and they did CPR but she never responded. I had to go be in there with her because of the promise I made to her. I couldn't associate that was just her shell there now. That was still my Millie! My husband couldn't get me to leave. I kept hugging and kissing her. I want her back so bad. I even begged God to let me at least have a dream about her. I was getting obsessive at first. All I do is keep replaying that day she died. What could I have done differently? I go out to her pen and just call her name. I keep smelling her on the towels we had her laying on. I looked for fur left in her doghouse. I also wear a puppy angel pin they gave me, all the time, even on my pj's. It's been one week now, and although I know it's getting better, there are times, when I feel just as bad again. I know I had a lot of guilt in me because of the things I was thinking about doing with her beforehand, but I finally forgave myself for that. I know I loved her and I gave her the best possible life I could with the conditions I had to deal with. I just miss her so much! I want her back. I have never lost anyone close to me in my adult life. I am 26. I didn't realize how much I loved her. I keeping looking at her puppy pictures, and I take them everywhere. I'll never know exactly how she died or why. I just didn't know if anyone has ever heard of that disease, or have any suggestions for me. I have such a sensitive heart, and it aches all the time!
- Re: I can't stand the aching anymore. Petsr4life 02/09/03
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- Re: I can't stand the aching anymore. PHRottn 02/11/03
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- Re: I can't stand the aching anymore. PHRottn 02/11/03
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